Agony

I am exhausted tonight, so this post will not be long. Annie is not doing well. In spite of Friday's surgery, she continues to drain massive amounts of fluid out of her chest tubes and the doctors are offering very little hope that she will survive. We have agonized over this as we don't want our little baby to suffer any more, but have always believed that we would bring Annie home to us and still hope for that end. The doctors believe that Annie is dumping so much fluid because of the development of a clot in her superior vena cava that has now extended into her jugular vein. These clots increase her venous pressures and make it easier for fluid to leak out of the vessels than to stay in them where it belongs. We never saw this coming as we have always been so worried about her heart function and airways. It is hard to process that while we may have resolved these major things with surgery, the doctors are telling us she is dying because of a clot. Cameron and I have spent much time fasting, praying, going to the temple and doing all the things that we need to do to receive answers for Annie. Yesterday, we spent time with President Christofferson (first counselor in our stake presidency and our previous bishop), and with our current bishop and his second counselor. The time we spent with these good men was definitely a tender mercy as we were feeling so overwhelmed with the reality of what is happening to Annie's little body and trying to reconcile this with our feelings of what Annie's mission entails. Last night, as we talked with Bishop Brandt and Brother Allen, the spirit was very strong and helped us know what we need to do going forward. We decided to push onward. To let the doctors know that we are not prepared to quit. We discussed that Annie must have some agency in this as well and if she decides she cannot do it anymore, she can make the choice to go home to heaven. We will continue to fight to keep her here, trusting that God's will will be, whether it is that she stay or go. We know that Annie cannot continue as she is much longer and take some comfort in knowing that either way, her suffering should not be prolonged. We believe that either she will get better soon or she will pass away soon. We still believe that God is capable of turning this around and are praying with all of our might for that end. We also believe that should she go, our Heavenly Father will help us to understand the feelings we have had concerning her mission and all will still be well. Oh, how we love this girl. How we want to bring her home and watch her grow. Last night the bishop quoted the scripure that says "All flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God." Every time I feel the fear rising in my throat I think of this scripture. Please continue to pray for a miracle as we know we need one.